Remembering

As we approach this time of year, with Christmas for some and the natural rhythm of the calendar year's close for us all, it's a natural time for reflection and remembering about our past, as well as exploring our hopes for the future. In my own process of reflection this year, I'm finding that as I journey further from when my mom died in July 2003, my memories of her are changing.

As is true for many women, my relationship with my mom was complex. My mom was difficult in a number of ways - even after years in recovery from alcoholism, she continued to struggle with chronic depression, and could be narcisstic, long-winded, unorganized, and neurotic.

But she was more than her struggles, as we all are. She was an amazing person who lived an interesting life, full of many tales. She could be a great listener, was curious about people, loved words, stories and books, and had a great sense of humor. While she wasn't a cook, she made a great potato salad. Most important to me, I never doubted that she loved me deeply. I miss these things about her, even now, nearly 2 1/2 years after she died.

What I'm realizing is that here too, as in other parts of life, I get to choose: what I want to remember about my mom, what stories I want to tell about her, what I would like others (particularly my children) to understand about her. While there were parts of her life that were very sad and tragic, she wasn't a tragedy herself: she was a survivor, and a fierce one at that. As time passes, it's her warm and generous characteristics that I want to carry forward, rather than harboring and holding on to the more difficult aspects of who she was.

So, this holiday season I will light a candle for my mom, sing loudly in church on Christmas Eve, make a welcoming home for friends and family, and be thankful for the many gifts and lessons my mom gave and taught me.

What are you choosing to remember this season?
What do you want others to know about the person you lost?