Just Ducky
There’s a lovely little pond in our neighborhood where I walk with people in grief. Depending on the season, we’re likely to see robins, crows, squirrels, geese, turtles, an egret or two, and always ducks, lots of ducks.
Recently, on one of those walks, a half dozen ducks spotted the two of us leaning on a rail looking out on the pond and made a beeline in our direction. Curious, I asked my friend what the ducks bring to mind for her, and without missing a beat she responded. “I think that this grief should just roll off my back like water off a duck.”
Many of us grew up in families where we were taught “not to air our personal problems” with the neighbors. We came to believe that we should be strong and not need others’ help. So when someone asks us, “How are you doing?” we respond, “Just fine”, or “Just ducky.”
Well, you know what? When we are grieving it is not going to just roll off our back and disappear. We need to engage it and walk through it in order to heal and move forward. So stop thinking you have to do this all alone. You might be able to, but it will be harder and take longer. Bless yourself by letting others be there for you as you walk through your grief.
What are you walking through today? I’d love to hear from you. Just click on the “comments” button below or the email icon.
posted by Dee Bailey @ 10:59 AM
10 comments
10 Comments:
I am coming up on the one year anniversary of my only brother's death. there were things i had not let myself think of at first. He got lost hunting in a remote area and =was missing for 36 hours. i had not even allowed my mind to go there for more than a nano-second over this past year up until the past 6 weeks. i had done a lot of "processing" but i found myself working backwards in time. it has been very difficult, buthealing as i have faced the "demons" of those hours....expended a lot of emotion....i went there and i survived. i did it with the safety net of a counsellor,supportive friends and a loving, supporting spouse. i am still looking for the new me, but i see glimpses. I also lost a little brother when i was 12 and my mom had a live birth of a baby at 5 mo. gestation. so i am the only one left. i have actually connected emotionally with my siblings these last months in a way i never have before. thanks for your blogg...my husband is just starting a life coaching career and i think it was one of his readings that led me to your blog. thanks....carol
Carol,
You are blessed to have trusted friends and a spouse who walk with you as you approach this anniversary of your brother's death. Even though no one can really understand what you are feeling, it helps to have supportive companions on the journey.
The 'you' that has been lost to grief is preparing to emerge in a new form--stronger maybe, or wiser, or more resilient. Your glimpses of her will give you a hint.
Connecting with your siblings in a new way is one of the lovely gifts of your grief experience. What are you learning about yourself on this
deeply personal journey?
Remember to take good care of yourself as you honor this anniversary.
Dee
.thank you for your encouragment. it's hard to see the "new me" when it's still all mixed up!
i think for one, i will be wiser in how i use my time and how i let others influence me (i have too many shoulds/oughts in my life.)
i have a question: what does "letting go" really mean. either i am not understanding it, or i am not willing to "let go." i am starting to think maybe i have the wrong idea of what it means. carol
Carol,
I'll be happy to respond to your question, but first I am curious what you think "letting go" means
Dee
i knew you'd ask me, but i thought i'd try!
i dont' like the term "letting go" any more than i like moving on, which to me signifies some kind of "forgetting" somehow. when i read about it, and read the suggestions for being able to "let go," i am doing all of them: seeing a counsellor to help me through this (i just started seeing her recently. i think i was making good progress on my journey, and then my husband lost his job - not a positive losing - and that loss sidetracked me from my grief journey with my brother) so i picked that back up again with a counsellor in august. i am facing the pain, as in not running from it, feeling the emotions, journaling about it and have actully discovered free verse as a way of expressing myself. my counsellor tells me i am "doing good work" and i think i am, but everytime i read about "letting go" something in me fights it. i will talk to my counsellor about it this week. I have been facing the things i did not want to think about all this year....the call that told me "he's gone", the 36 hours he was missing, the emails i sent out during those 36 hours letting people know. i read them today for the first time since i sent them. i do find that when i go back to these things, they lose their power.
still i fight the "letting go." I am also making a scrapbook that has become my grief journal, filled with his photos, the story and my writings.
so what is your defintion of letting go. i was thinking i just hadn't goten there yet. carol
Carol,
First I’ll say that we don’t need to let go of our lost loved ones. Your brother will remain in your memory and your heart the rest of your life.
“Letting go” is not an act but a process of redefining our lives without the physical presence of a loved one. So, in that sense, we are letting go of how our life used to be. Some call this “relearning” or “revising attachment.” Whatever we call it, day by day, moment by moment, we are in a process of surrendering to the reality of loss, and the physical absence of someone precious.
We are also letting go of our expectations about how our life would be in the future. Grieving your brother includes mourning the life you thought you would have with him in it. We must also grieve these lost dreams, and yes, let go of them. They too are being revised.
Early in our grief we review and retell our story of loss over and over again, if only in our mind. Holding on to the ending, to the loss, and to the pain seems to be a way to keep our loved one close to us. Eventually, we begin to release those unhappy attachments as life beckons us to look up and scan the horizon for hope and renewed energy. Only after the fact do we look back and see that we’ve been letting go.
Carol, you may not realize it, but your entries are helping others who only read but do not post. Another aspect of your story has caught my attention. Do you mind if I ask you a question?
Dee
yes, ask away.
i realLY like what you are saying. it makes sense to me. thank you, thank you...
today i was with my parents. i asked my dad what he though letting go was. he said essentially the same thing....that it's reaching apoint where my life is not consumed with the loss, but learning how to incorporate it into our lives so we can go on living with out being consumed and unable to function. i think i felt that "letting go" had to happen at some point BEFORE the rest could happen.
and i thought, yes, that is why i went to the counsellor 8 months into the grief journey. i realized it was consuming me, i couldnt' think, focus and i was tired all the time and not really on topof things. i have been going back and facing the "demons" as i said and i think i am moving in the right direction.
yesterday i finally after a whole year, went back and printed out the emails i had written during the 30 hours he was missing to friends, asking for prayer for our family. at one point, when he was found, the report came through that he would be ok...we dont' know how that happened, but he was not ok. so i had sent an email entitled "gordon found", that gradually scolled off my view in my "sent messages" in outlook. i have never rearead those messages until yesterday. i think that was the lowest point. i cried harder, longer than anytime up to that point. i completely lost it. today i spent with my parents (this is the day, 1 year later that he was lost) tomorrow is the actual date of death. it was important to be with them today i think. we cried together and talked. i am realizing how much of my grief this past year has been for not only my brother now, but my brother years ago and my little sister i never saw or knew.
so, what is your question. i really appreciate your continued dialogue. btw: i have read the book by TJ WRAY on Adult Sibling Grief. i have like most of it.
Carol,
I have an observation and a question. First,sometimes we have childhood losses that we never fully grieve for a variety of reasons (not knowing about them, not being developmentally ready, etc.). Our first significant adult loss activates our grieving process and along with the current loss, we grieve the unresolved losses from the past. It feels so appropriate and quite lovely in a way, that you are grieving all three of your siblings at the same time. I get a sense that your siblings are close to you in this process.
Now, for my question: In an earlier posts “those 36 hours” seem to hold a lot of power for you. Not knowing, waiting, worrying, wondering, hoping and fearing... Would you tell us more about that? If it would be helpful to you.
Gratefully,
Dee
in reference to grieving my siblings. I have written a "free verse" piece regarding that very thing of grieving all three of my siblings at once. it's kind of long...i am going to email it to you.
in regards to the 36hours. yes, those 36 hours did hold a lot of power over me, until just the last week or so. I gradually worked backwards until the only pain i had not "leaned into" was those hours. there were things ihad not talked about since then....like the phone call i got par tway through that day, and the caller ID said "Gordon L". I thought it was him calling me to say he was alright and i even had a picture in my mind of him sitting there, having been found, weak, hungry with his crooked grin ready to tell me he was ok. and i was ready to "yell" at him for scaring us...only to find it was his friend using my brother's phone, which he had not taken with him, since it didnt' work in the dense words anyway. I never even let myself think about it that day...it just sat there under the surface until a week or so ago when i told my counsellor about it, talked with my husband about it and wept and agonized about it. that was just part of the day. i think i finally went through all of the pieces of that day, the parts i can remember. it was very difficult and draining, but i knew i had to face it. while the thought of those hours are still painful to think about, they dont' hold quite the power.
today is the anniversary. i have been told that the days leading up to it are worse than the day itself. maybe that is because of all the "work" i did prior to that. Monday was a real low point. My family and i have a lot of people who have been praying for us this week. our faith is strong and my sister and law and i were talking to day of how grateful we were for a quiet peaceful day. my friend calls these calm days "rest stops for the soul." i like that. i know there will be more emotional storms, but today was a "rest stop." i am very grateful that my sister and law and i were close to begin with and this has brought us even closer than before. she is like a sister to me. iknow that does not always happen. carol
Carol,
How was the first anniversary of your brother's death? You are right that the days leading up to it are often more difficult than the day itself. And all the work you have been doing should make the days ahead less painful for you too.
In your last post you said your sister-in-law is like a sister to you. Isn't it a lovely twist that in grieving your brother you reclaimed your first two siblings and now feel like you have a sister? This is just one of the gifts that the grief journey brings us. We stumble upon these Hopeful Crossings, pause for reflection, and then start out again, encouraged by our discoveries.
Thanks for all your sharing with me and our readers. I'm certain you are making a difference for others too.
My best to you,
Dee
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